SONGS FOR PARENTS WHO ENJOY DRUGS

Inquiring Minds
You got a kid?
I got a kid.

Are you going to tell him the things you did?
Tell him the truth about your sordid youth?
If he wants to know, did you do blow?
Did you get high and listen to the stereo?

Pops, when’s the first time you did a drug crime?
I smoked my first jay on my eleventh birthday
And high school exams, how’d you stay up to read?
The kid across the street dealt in excellent speed

Were classes as boring as mine are today?
Most of the time I was tripping so I really can’t say

Now Dad, let’s see how truthful you are,
You ever high behind the wheel of a car?
Man I thought I was flying a 747
When I sold that car I think they scraped it for resin

And Dad, you courted Mom, how’d you make her your own?
We’d drink a lot of vodka and do methadone
So when he asks me about my past, and did I get high?
I’ve been seriously thinking about my reply

I’m going to lie
I'm going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad did you ever do drugs?
No way!

Dad did you ever do it with any woman besides mom?
Did you ever see that Fellini movie Satyricon?
I was 13 the first time, so good I couldn’t speak
They should have wrapped me in a Hefty bag
and drained me once a week

And Dad what’s the kinkiest that you ever got?
There was a mother and daughter Upstate that were crazy stupid hot
There was this girl and her dog, but we won’t get into that
There were these three Dominatrixes in a one room flat
Couple times in a church pew, was a heavenly thing
And there was a girl named Ruth in the booth of a Burger King

My wife’s eatin’ a hole through me with her evil eye
My kid’s got inquiries and they want an honest reply

I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad, did you have premarital sex?
No way!

Now come the tough questions that he’s gonna ask
All prosecutors save the hard stuff for last
Dad, did you ever steal from the store when you didn’t have the bucks?
From what I remember, most of the stuff just fell off of trucks

And Dad, did you ever own a gun?
Yeah, but it wasn’t like I had a license for one
And Dad, did you ever steal an automobile for fun?
The owners wouldn’t want them when we got done

And Dad, I heard you bartended in a place that dealt crack!
Just making sure our clientele would come back
He wants the truth, I look him in the eye
I set a good example, I’m that kind of guy

I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad, did you ever do anything bad?
Fuck no!

Heat
I flew into Miami Beach
I got a grey cloud on my mind
I’m havin’ some trouble kickin’ some pills
I’m leaving that stuff behind

I’m in too deep on a couple of things
But I ain’t really running away
I’m gonna give it just as long as it takes
‘Til I get back to feeling okay

Yesterday I scrapped a car
It was a dice roll fate
There wasn’t any papers to worry about
And I destroyed the plates

I rented a car, got me a room
Little Havana had something to eat
Had a couple numbers I didn’t call
And I enjoyed the heat.

Heat
Burning it back
Heat
Exposing the nerve
Heat
Melting layers of doubt
Heat
“Who do you serve?”
Heat
I’m riding it out
Heat
I got my ear to the street
Heat
My profiles intact
Heat
And I’m not accepting defeat

Hadn’t talked to her since her mama had died
A song brought it back to me
Playing in the boat, far off shore
Headed out to sea

I finished my coffee as the song drifted off
Now she could settle down
She had a fortune smile and maybe this time
She could leave that soul suckin’ town

Was a man with a scar she’d taken up with
Who knows the company we keep
I got in the car, drove through the night
I had a long way to go to sleep

The papers read they only had one lead
It was the make of the car
In a murder of a dealer and a pimp
Known for his facial scar

Heat
Melting layers of doubt
Heat
“Who do you serve?”
Heat
I’m riding it out
Heat
I got my ear to the street
Heat
My profiles intact
Heat
And I’m not accepting defeat
Heat


Wheels part 1
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All through the town
And the Floozie on the bus goes come here kid
Come here kid
Come here kid
And the Floozie on the bus goes come here kid
All through the town


Pretty Colors
There was nothing happening, I went down to Nick’s
His girl was there, I said, “How’s tricks?”
She picked up her guitar, she played one of her licks
It went like this:
She said, “Nick went to the store,”
Gripping her guitar she played a little more
She opened up her pocketbook, medicine galore
I reached in.
Well, hey

Look at all the red ones, look at all the green ones
Look at all the pink ones, look at all the mean ones
Look at all the yellow ones, look at all the white ones too

I could take 3, or I could take 5
I could take 20 and I'd barely be alive
My daddy had a hankering
For the little one that’s blue

I asked her her name, she said it was Mandy
She asked if I liked head, I told her it was dandy
When I ate her pussy, it tasted like candy
It tasted good

I lost track of time, longer than an hour
She was cool and beautiful, kinda like a flower
She said I had to leave, she had to take a shower
I stole her purse…
Hey, hey

Look at all the red ones, look at all the green ones
Look at all the pink ones, look at all the mean ones
Look at all the yellow ones, look at all the white ones too

Some of them are black, some of them are brown
Some of them are ups, some of them are downs
I put them in the blender ‘cause I like to fuck around
It’s true

Nodding leaving Nick’s, I guess I went too far
I was way too high, then I stole a car
Just like Jerusalem, following a star
I felt good

I smashed that car, ‘cause the radio sucked
I tried every station, and they all were fucked
The car’s in the river, and it’s shit out of luck
I stuck out my thumb

I got picked up, I could tell the girl was rich
20 years younger, in a Lexus, life’s a bitch
She asked me for a fuck, I asked her what’s the hitch?
She just laughed…

She said her man was selfish and cruel
Cheating on her, she went out to get some fuel
Gonna screw somebody ugly as a mule
I’d do the trick

When the sun comes up and it’s time to hit the sack
I used to have a job but I’m never goin’ back
Them corporate fucks, they don’t know jack
Watch ‘em die

Look at all the red ones, look at all the green ones
Look at all the pink ones, look at all the mean ones
Look at all the yellow ones, look at all the white ones too

Take them in 4’s, take them in 3’s
Take them by the dozen, don’t mean shit to me
Take them when you ain’t got
Nothing better to do

Pretty colors
Pretty colors
Pretty colors
Hey, hey, hey
Apartment #4
My wife broke down the door of Apartment #4
That wasn’t the address or the one we liked the best
It was the one that passed our broke ass test
On the first floor of Apartment #4
Was Crackball Bob who pretended he got robbed
When he smoked up all the stash and he didn’t have the cash
For the product he was fronted and in lieu of being hunted
He paid a lowlife to gag his son and wife
And then beat him ‘til he needed stitchin’
On the linoleum in the kitchen
In Apartment #4

3am in advanced inebriation
My wife was on a stress-induced vacation
A friend was hanging out so loud we had to shout
The stereo was blarin’, my friend and I were sharin’
Critiques and theories, observations and queries
On Elvis’s first major label release
Heartbreak Hotel and we thought at the least
A risky move, but E would prove
Over and over, like audio noir
Downstairs Crackball Bob
Getting’ beaten ‘til he scarred

Apartment #1 was a lot of fun
We were real young and we’d just begun
I got a place in my heart like a whore
For Apartment #4

We continued to get drunk, my friend pulled out a chunk
Of black tar hash, we heard the final crash
Downstairs was quiet through my window we spied it
The flashing red lights dividing the night
Bob got his way in the papers the next day
His alibi, no more coke
Bob proved why he was broke
A bunch of my friends landed in jail
Looking for Bob
When they got out on bail

Apartment #10 I was bottoming then
I barely remember what city it’s in
I got memories galore
Of Apartment #4.

And then a neighbor, obviously employed
Knocked down my door obviously annoyed
As I said from the start
My wife had busted the molding apart.
In a fight we had had
She, I guess, was burning mad
The door remained unhinged
Bob is still alive
We upgraded marginally
To Apartment #5

Apartment #14 all the things we’d seen
Sometimes the world could seem so mean
A little skanky, not rotten to the core
In Apartment #4


Hey Boss
Hey boss
I ain’t been in in weeks
Hey boss
Shut up and let me speak
Hey boss
You act like it is treason
Hey boss
You know I got my reasons
Hey boss

Well I got on the computer, the walls began to drip
The keyboard melted in my hands, I wrote a movie script
10 days straight it was tastier than Jaws
It was wetter than Angelina Jolie, commercial as Santa Claus

Titled “Tits and Money”, was a potential smash
I flew to Hollywood, identity theft for cash
I’d tell my story, to anyone that would listen
And I crashed First Class next to Melanie Griffith

Who knew a producer, and we made a date
And we partied ‘til morning, I was weaving at the gate
I entered the foyer, a party was ensuing
It was a Caligula orgy that was sucking and screwing
And I gave my pitch; I read it from the gut
To some producer buried in a starlet’s butt

Hey boss
Get off my freakin’ back
Hey boss
Your breath is like a scrotum sack
Hey boss
What is all the fuss?
Hey boss
Your brain is filled with puss

Down Santa Monica in his diamond flake Benz
Had a meeting with his Russian Mafia friends
Who fronted us money, we hadn’t driven far
That producer stole my revenue and I was ejected from the car

I hit the Wal-Mart on Hollywood and Vine
I purchased a .357, and a Tech-9
Smug behind his desk, in his studio glory
That producer was doing the Rush Limbaugh story

I put 3 bullets in Rush and I silenced his mouth
Took his lower intestines out of his ass, and I pulled south
And I hung him by his organs, out the window in the breeze
Stood back to admire, and I must say that I was pleased

Hey Boss
Are you lovin’ this tale?
Hey boss
Because you look a little pale!

You might wonder what’s my political affiliation
I consider it to be one of extreme moderation
I love to ride up Pennsylvania Ave and see the Right
With all their heads mounted on poles,
and I’d like them at the same height

(I’m a Libra, I need that balance)

The producer was in terror, and so and I planned it
That movie got made, but all the critics panned it
But the people spoke, and when it was out on DVD
It was a bestseller and you know all them profits go to me

The movie business is desperate and twisted
I’m returning home, an option I’d resisted
With all my money, well, I’m not retiring
I bought the business where we work,
your sad ass I’ll be firing

Hey boss
You’re out on my street
Hey boss
You’re a dullard and you cheat
Hey boss
The karmic wheel runs round
Hey boss
In life that’s all I’ve found
Values
My son, my son, is more than one
He’s more than two, he’s less than three
He tries to talk to me about this, about that,
About his coat, about his hat
About birds, about the weather
And he’s putting words together
And he’s forming little phrases
He’s got little verbal phases
And he’s challenging me
He’s got his own personality
I tell him, “Little boys got to pick up their toys”
What he then said, exploded my head

He said, “Dad let me get this straight
The President of The United States
From everything I heard
Is arguably the most powerful position in the world”

You could have knocked me over with a feather
Listen to him putting these words together
That's pretty advanced noise
All I want him to do is pick up his toys

He said, “We’re over in Iraq
And there’s no sign of turning back
Now aren’t these people dying?
On both sides, pain and crying?”
Well, that’s a lot for a child of three
But I answered him, “Yes,” honestly

And he said, “Dad, am I out of my mind
But the weapons of mass destruction they did not find?”
I said, “No, son, no
WMD was a no show”

And he said, “Dad they proved that Iraq
Had nothing to do with the 9/11 attack?”
I said, “I can’t argue with you
‘Cause everything that you say is true”

From the mouth of the littlest of boys, he said,
“Dad, I ain’t picking up my fucking toys!”

I said, “Fine, fuck it, doesn’t take a lot of brains
To see in this new world chaos reigns
If you can’t make sense no more
Take off your diaper, take a shit on the floor!”

Values
Values
Values

I said, “We’re getting in a sweat
What do you say we study the alphabet”
He said, “Dad, we’ve been over this before
But let’s go over it one time more”

He said, “Dad, you ain’t no fool
Is there some kind of presidential school?
Some kind of test or exam
To show that you’re the qualified man?
I mean from everything I hear
Let me see if I’m clear
People are voting him in
Because they want to socialize with him and a beer
That ain’t no qualification
For a man to be leading the nation

“What if you saw a guy from the bar emerging?
Would you say he’d make a fuck of a surgeon?
He’s a nice guy, although no education,
I’m going to let him do my wife’s brain operation?”
“Dad, I’m going to hold off on class
You can stick the alphabet up your ass”

Values
Values
Values

So, we’re down at the playground
Running round, safe and sound
The kids are on the slides and the swings
Falling down
But they’re only 3 or 2
And they fight over toys, as little kids do
And when I tell my son he’s got to share
When he comes up with this
All I can do is stare

He said, “I’m an isolationist Dad
That kid made me really fucking mad
I don’t need him or NATO
God chose me, it’s fate”

Oh, values are tough to teach a child
When the president has completely gone wild
I put my kid in his room, lock the door
And I tell my wife I can’t take it no more

Values
Values
Values


Jerkin'
I have been jerking off a lot thinking ‘bout you
When I’m away from home, what can I do?
I walk the line babe; you know that I’m true
I’ve been jerking off a lot thinking ‘bout you

I have been rubbing one out with you in my mind
‘Til we’re together is a long, long time
My heart will still hurt but my spine will be fine
I’ve been rubbing one out with you on my mind

I have been pulling it raw with you in my head
You think I fantasize movie stars instead
But you’re the only one that makes me see red
I have been pulling it raw with you in my head

I have been tossing one off to nobody but you
You give me visions now what can I do
After so many years and all we’ve been through
I have been tossing one off to nobody but you

I’m coming home
I’m coming home

I have been jerking off a lot thinking ‘bout you
When I’m away from home, what can I do?
I walk the line babe; you know that I’m true
I’ve been jerking off a lot thinking ‘bout you

I have been rubbing one out with you in my mind
‘Til we’re together is a long, long time
My heart will still hurt but my spine will be fine
I’ve been rubbing one out with you on my mind

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
I’m coming...


Socializing
I need you tonight, I needed you yesterday
I’ll need you tomorrow, I’ll need you
‘Til all the planets explode
I was away, I was far from you
I was surrounded by people I didn’t know—
And I forgot what we built
I wandered out, at first it seemed okay
We were laughing and talking and I thought
I could get the hang of this
Something I said, and the room got quiet
And they were staring hard and it was brutally apparent
Something was amiss—
Just like it was before you

We blow the trumpets that are discarded
We join the band that is drunk and down
We stick our thumbs out
For the ride that doesn’t show

We sneak the sinners out of town
There are a great many people, when I talk to them
I feel despair like a baseball bat has hit me in the head
They’d never know, I keep my mask intact
It’s so exhausting that I could spend the year in bed—
What are you doing over the next year?
And I’m surrounded by, mad dogs that howl
Snakes wait in suburban lawns
The monkeys are rabid and wild
I’m a smashed radio, I feel terrorized
Left alone on a ledge, like an abandoned child—
Once again to come running to you

We spin the roulette with the broken axle
Walk the streets the rain won’t wet
Cross the bridges with the Styrofoam trestles
To say the prayers the priests forget
We blow the trumpets that are discarded
We join the band that is drunk and down
We stick our thumbs out
For the ride that doesn’t show
We play our best games out of bounds



Coulter's Snatch
We’re involved in a cultural war
The country’s torn apart like never before
And try as I might, I see no end in sight

I search my soul and I roam my heart
And when enlightened know the place to start
Compassion, forgiveness and communication

That would take a bigger person than me
I’m the first to admit it you see
So you ask me what I think

I think Ann Coulter’s got a cunt that stinks
Let’s engage her in debate, let’s make her deny it

Chat on Meet the Press, announce it on Fox
Ann Coulter’s got one stinky box
It wouldn’t take much to get the country to buy it

I used to be disgusted, now I’m pissed
I’m ashamed that it’s come to this

Rush Limbaugh likes to suck pig dick
swine penis for Rush will do the trick
Everybody knows Rumsfeld forces sex with tots
God bless the First Amendment, I’d be sued for libel
George W Bush masturbates to the bible
And Condoleezza likes eating pussy a lot

There are some douches that’ll never fail ya
Lest they come up against Ann’s genitalia

You take the low road, I’ll take the lower road
You’ve met your match
I admit I get a kick out of talking
‘Bout Coulter’s snatch.

You take the low road, I’ll take the lower road
I’ll end the fight
Every time you be looking at Ann you’re thinking
“Something don’t smell right”
Right, right, right, right



Civil Disobedience
Me and Jakie went down to the place
Where the cops wanna smash your face
Where my fellow citizens are caught up in the chase
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

Jakie grabbed a torch and burned down a building
Seen the proprietor damn near kill him
Later had dental work to get the tooth filled in
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

Jakie ain’t political but I go nuts
Jakie likes to loot but I ain’t got the guts
He says, “Fight for what’s right or else you are a putz”
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience
All right

Jakie thinks militant girls are hot
If they’re pro-choice; they might do it a lot
I can’t vouch for him, but he’s the best I got
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

Both me and Jakie got a problem with authority
Especially authority that didn’t win by majority
Got the added impetus our cash is in minority
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

Jakie likes to run around, throwing rocks and trash
Stripping the police cars, selling parts for cash
Popping the trunk to see if they got a stash
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience
All right

Jakie likes to run around with the picket signs
Sometimes jail time avoiding ticket fines
One thing he can’t abide is licking their behinds
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

We beat the opposition when we stole the riot gear
Captured top positions and then we made it clear
We’ll do a lot of damage and we’ll cause a lot of fear
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

We like to take the stimulants, our focus then acute
You never can tell when the cops will snap and shoot
Never on my gravestone, “He snoozed, his ass is moot”
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience
All right

We fuck Republicans but think they’re icky
Talk of world conquest finally makes them sticky
You have to beg and beg to get your dick a licky
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

Me and Jakie like dodging the gun
Me and Jakie like to hit and run
We piss on politicians but it’s all in good fun
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience

We got into politics to char and pillage
Maybe we’ll come visit in your bar or village
After our plunder time for serious chillage
Hey, hey, Civil Disobedience
All right



Mommy's Not Talking Today
Where did my pills go? gone
The bathroom door’s locked tight get the axe
The neighborhood it came awake
With screaming in the night call 911
Come here little fella c'mere
I’ll cook and you can play not the kerosene
You and I are on our own
Mommy ain’t talking today mum's the word

When you pulled the lamp down ka-boom
She smiled and swept the mess whistle while you work
When you got into the paint
She yelled I must confess only like a banshee
Then you flushed her jewelry goodbye
She watched it wash away that was the straw
Daddy minds the baby
Mommy’s M-I-A that broke the Hamell’s back

Then you shaved the kitty me-frickin-ow
Attached its fur with glue superglue
All across your face and chest
You little rascal you you need a shave
Running naked through the streets penis
The cops were called today swat team
Mommy had a melt down
Momma ain’t talkin’ today leave her alone

Then you took some pictures polaroids
Of Mommy in the bath money shot
How precocious
You scanned that photograph full frontal nude
Sent it over the internet old friends
Show from coast to coast new friends
And a great big part of Europe
Mommy’s comatose out like a light
Playin’ with the computer send
you transferred all our funds broke as hell
We keep getting shipments
Of cereals and guns nice shooters
And your bride from Thailand nice hooters
You’re three what can I say nice work
I hope she does some laundry ‘cause
Mommy wants to move away. the farther the better

Mommy ain't talking today!!!


Father's Advice
Your grandpa and grandma
Drank and drank and drank
Now that I’m a parent
I know why
That’s just a taste of my wicked sense of humor
You’d better have one ‘til you die

You’d better laugh
You’d better laugh
You’d better laugh
‘Til you die

Your grandma and grandpa
Were married 50 years
Then your grandma lost her mind
Your grandpa killed her
And then he killed himself
So he wouldn’t get left behind

You’d better love
You’d better love
You’d better love
‘Til you die

Your grandpa once told me
When we were drunk
He didn’t know nothing as a boy
And now he was 80
He still didn’t know nothing
Told me to slow down, and enjoy

You’d better try
You’d better try
You’d better try
‘Til you die

Wheels Part 2
And the Wino on the bus goes glug, glug, glug
Glug, glug, glug
Glug, glug, glug
And the Wino on the bus goes glug, glug, glug
All through the town
Uncle Ray on the bus goes puke, puke, puke
Puke, puke, puke
Puke, puke, puke
Uncle Ray on the bus goes puke, puke, puke
All through the town